Charlie I just love you

Dear Charlie,
I don't talk about it, I can't but I know I can always write here and release what I need to say.
I carry on with life and people I meet wouldn't even expect that I have been through what I have because that is it, it is life we have to carry on but I will never forget you. I think of yiu every single day.
You would love your baby sister, she is so cheeky and you would be laughing at her every day. Your brother and sisters love you so so much.
Gav, has come up there now so a friendly face for you to see. Although i am finding it difficult as i am grieving you more with your anniversary around the corner.
It made me think about everything and how well your siblings have turned out, especially your little biggest sister  as she was older when she lost you and it is because I have tried so hard to not let your loss affect them by giving them great childhoods as they got older and although we all miss you i am so proud of how well they have turned out.
In turn I think it makes people think i am strong but we know I just carry on. I grieve privatley for you. I dont want them to see. I dont want to talk to anyone,people are annoying me at the moment
I love you so much. I cuddle your big green alligator sometimes or is he a crocodile ?
I still have your bits at the bottom of the wash basket and when we have family days out I wonder where you would stand and how tall you would be. I just love you so much Char. I will put lovely flowers in your garden and light all your candles on the 15th. I hope you like them.
Love amd miss you Char xxx

Feeling despair

Dear Char

Hi Char, wow just had some feeling of extreme sadness and guilt now I'm worrying if you were thirsty in your last days, we used to squirt drink into your mouth but you couldn't really swallow very well anymore. The nurse talked about a tube but we didn't want to scare you because you couldn't talk anymore or tell us if it was uncomfortable so we decided with the nurse to not have the tube and carry on helping you drink  but what if you wasn't getting enough to drink ? What if you were thirsty ? Oh I feel so hopeless the sick cruel decisions we had to make for you. Should we try one more round of the chemo that wasn't working and hope for a delayed reaction or try the more powerful one that may end your life or make you extremely sick ? How could we have all that on our shoulders ? We just wanted you to live so desperately we believed in you  

It's coming up to 7 years and that means you would have been gone as long as you were here and I feel so sad about that I feel sick and empty that no one really speaks to me about you anymore but the people who do all the time are your siblings and they are the most important. I hope you are ok and I hope you don't feel upset with me I hope I made the right choices for you when I had to be your voice. Love you with all my heart. Mummy xxx

Dear Char
I feel so sad. I'm trying so hard to make it better. I'm sorry if I let you down. I just feel really sad. I try not to think now, I try to think of other things instead and then I feel guilty for it.
I'm trying to do another charity ball again in your memory hope it works out and helps. Then I wonder why I am bothering with all the stress and then I feel guilty again.
I wonder if I should cancel it then I feel guilty again. I feel stressed out and really tired. I miss you.
I wish you could tell me one of your funny jokes again.
I wonder how we came to this ?
I wonder where you are. I am in your bedroom now
I feel happy now in here and I feel safe.
I feel like people don't care anymore they feel like so much time has passed and they don't ask anymore.
We will always care forever and ever and ever
Love you my eldest big boy forever 7 in my heart
Love you x

Dear Char
I feel so sad. I'm trying so hard to make it better. I'm sorry if I let you down. I just feel really sad. I try not to think now, I try to think of other things instead and then I feel guilty.
I'm trying to do another charity ball again in your memory hope it works out and helps. Then I wonder why I am bothering with alltge stress and then I feel guilty again.
I wonder if I should cancel it then I feel guilty again. I feel stressed out and really tired. I miss you.
I wish you could tell me one of your funny jokes again.
I wonder how we came to this ?
I wonder where you are. I am in your bedroom now
I feel happy now in here and I feel safe.
I feel like people don't care anymore they feel like so much time has passed and they don't ask anymore.
We will always care forever and ever and ever
Love you my eldest big boy forever 7 in my heart
Love you x

Dear Charlie, Wednesday was a sad day turned into something special and positive getting that pup will now put a wonderful memory on the same day.
We can try to move on from Zohan but I still miss him.
I miss you every day. I hope you will be proud we are doing another charity ball in your memory. I'd love to cuddle you again.
I hope you know why we have made some changes and understand how hard it has been but you are still here everywhere in our home and always in our hearts. I should have a teenage son next month but you will always be 7 to me. I miss your jokes son.
Love you char x

Dear Charlie,
I feel like everything around me is changing and the things that were yours are disappearing. It makes me feel sad, your drawing on the fridge is fading . We had to say good bye to your dog which was heartbraking. I miss him. Your room has been changed but I want you to know its because we had no choice and needed space. I have kept lots of your clothes, ones that bring me happy and ones that bring sad memories too. I don't want things to fade away.
I have about special boxes of special things of yours.
Your things are still everywhere, pants in the bottom of the laundry basket still.
Medicine still in the fridge with your name on.
I bumped into someone who knew you when you were born the other day and we talked about you and your room and I loved it because people I see alot don't really ask much anymore. I liked someone recognizing everything that has happened.
I want you to know that no matter what happens or where ever I am I love you very much and miss you every day.
Love you Char x

Hey Charlie,
It's New year's eve. I remember you always used to ask is it happy New year yet ?
I miss you and was just thinking how we have had to adapt to a life without you but every day I wonder.
I feel your absence every day.
I don't really like New year I always used to stay in with you and see in the New year without you
I am a different person since you have been gone and I think it was the day you were diagnosed ini changed. I don't remember the person I was before or when I do it doesn't feel like me.
I  Can describe how I feel like the ocean and at the moment I feel like I'm floating along then a storm will come and the waves are pain from losing you and it gets unbearable and then they pass and I drift along and the last few weeks I have been floating along again the damage is there but it's more peaceful. I never know when the waves or storm will hit me again and how long they will last but I am good at floating through it
But even when the storm is there I hide it from others as I don't want to talk but I like to write and it helps.
Love you char x