Dear Charlie,
It's been a hard few weeks but I have actually enjoyed staying in your bedroom and it's not anywhere as hard as sorting through your things. I found myself in deep grief at the start of it but soldiered through. Now we face Christmas without you. Charlie I've had a break from Charlie charges on since Greek night, it was consuming me and I will pick up in the new year I promise you. We are planning some big things for next year in memory of you. Know that you are always on my mind little man but I just needed a break to concentrate on the mammoth task of your bedroom. We went to watch star wars in the cinema and I thought of you all the way through. I knew you would have been there with us
I really love and miss you son, love you so much Char.

Dear Charlie,
Sometimes I have a thought, a little thing in my mind. I daydream that you come back. I daydream that someone knocks on the door and say there was a mistake and you are still alive and they were looking after you. I know it's silly but I do sometimes imagine you coming home again and work out scenarios that can get you here. I wonder how your sisters and brother would react and how happy they would be to see you in our home. I imagine hugging you again and kissing your cheek.
I have been trying not to overthink your impending anniversary at the weekend as I don't want to drive myself mad.
It is mad though such complete madness that you have been gone for 5 years. I thought I didn't want to breathe without you but I made it.
You have some flowers in your garden already from people
It makes me so happy to see flowers for your anniversary, that people, no matter how many years still mark it and show they love you
Really miss you Char x

Nearly that time

Dear Charlie,
It's very near to your anniversary and I am trying hard not to think of how you were this day 5 years ago.
I am sad it will be  5 Years since I made you breakfast, cuddled and kissed you and 5 years since I cooked you dinner or watched tv with you. 5 years Charlie is such a long time yet it feels like only yesterday you were in the house.
I miss you. Today I bought tiger biscuits that is what you called them (macaroons)  I remember how you loved them.
I remember you singing walking on sunshine, that makes me smile. The children are selling drawings at school for you and Charlie Charges On. That is sweet. We are going to put more plaques up soon in your memory for all the money we raised for brain tumour research.
I don't like the idea of 5 years it sounds such a long time. I have tried not to think about it but I can't help it. I try to fill my brain with other thoughts but sometimes it takes over
I love you Charlie. X

The switch has been pressed

Dear Charlie,
We made it through to November and now we have to make it through this month. Such an incredibly sad time of the year. It's always there but I've been better than usual  this week I said it could change in a matter of minutes or days and today the switch, yes the incredible sadness.
Why did you have to go ? Am I a bad person ? What did I do wrong ? Why did you get that horrible illness when there are so many bad people in the world ?
I remember you loved mars bars. We went out yesterday and I remember you dressed as a werewolf and howled out of the car window as we drove to nannys house. I remember you picked the warewolf suit from Sainsburys. A little boy knocked last night and he looked ill he had lost his hair and I wanted to say something but I couldn't I was screaming inside I know I know. They must have thought I was rude as I was staring, I'm sorry I couldn't help it it wasn't rude, they had no idea why. It's not often we see children going through similar to you, so I ask again why you Char ?
I don't know. You loved our park bushy park, it was your favourite lots of people know about it now so I don't make it there much, but I should go.
Your baby sister said I want Charlie to come back, today, we now have to change the subject as she gets upset when we try to explain you can't come back.
I feel like I can't get excited for things I just need to get through the next few weeks
Love you Char

Dear Charlie,

Today I felt really sad I talked to my friend about October and how hard it can be, you started to slowly shut down. I came home and felt so sad today I remembered when it was your last day with us wizard of oz was on the television when you had to go. I can't even write the rest but it haunts me. I wanted you to stay forever.
How on earth did you get that illness ? Where did it come from ? Why did it happen ? I miss your face and smile and I miss your voice and your sweet singing. I miss your jokes I miss it all.

Love you Char

It is that time of year again

Dear Charlie,

You are always on my mind, but there's just something about Autumn, you had to leave then. When the leaves start to fall from the trees and the weather turns a little colder and the evening draws in, the memory of losing you comes to the front again.
I'm utterly exhausted emotionally and physically from the last event but pleased we did it.
Everything is changing around me and I'm scared the memories will fade, I don't want them to.
I remember when I used to wake up in the morning and you were there sneaked in the middle of the night and down the end of my bed by my feet. I remember when you started to get sick so I let you stay in bed with me.
The hospital has a lot to answer for, daddy had a bad leg the other day and they saw him so quickly he was in and out with an xray so fast, yet all I could think about was you with brain cancer they refused to scan or take me seriously and made up other rubbish diagnosis.
Remember when you used to run in from school and put 2 sausage rolls in the microwave, just a memory I have. You would watch Phineas and ferb, Hannah Montana, the suite life of Zack and Cody or play Mario on your ds. You loved hats in the winter to keep warm but got fed up with them after you were diagnosed. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that Charlie, as your mum I was supposed to protect you from anything, I thought I'd always be able to but that, that thing I had no control over, I am so so sorry I couldn't save you we tried so hard but no hospital in the world could do anything. I felt so useless.
I miss you Charlie and think about you and the loss of you every single day
Love you Char

Dear Charlie,
I haven't written in a few days, I have been busy organising our next charity event. Today as I was driving back down the A41 I had a flash back of driving down there when you were really ill and we didn't know what was wrong, it made me sad. I remember thinking it was serious and I needed to know you would get better, I felt despair and sadness. I miss you and sometimes feel I must have been like a robot to get through that nightmare, life has definitely not been the same since we lost you but I make sure your brother and sisters really enjoy themselves as they have been asking for you a lot recently and it is hard. Your biggest sis is doing amazing at her ballet. It's her love and she does so well. We all miss you and there is an emptyness that could never fill but we keep your memory alive and feel you around. I remember you singing in the kitchen. I remember when Patience the health visitor came round to do your brothers checks when he was born and she was terrified of our dog and you tricked her with your remote control spider that was so funny. I remember telling her you were having pains in your eyes and I hoped it was only migraines but she said I had to believe it was not anything serious. I remember she went above and beyond her job and when you were diagnosed she came around as a friend and prayed with you. What a kind lady. I miss you Char x