Saturday 14 October 2017

Feeling despair

Dear Char

Hi Char, wow just had some feeling of extreme sadness and guilt now I'm worrying if you were thirsty in your last days, we used to squirt drink into your mouth but you couldn't really swallow very well anymore. The nurse talked about a tube but we didn't want to scare you because you couldn't talk anymore or tell us if it was uncomfortable so we decided with the nurse to not have the tube and carry on helping you drink  but what if you wasn't getting enough to drink ? What if you were thirsty ? Oh I feel so hopeless the sick cruel decisions we had to make for you. Should we try one more round of the chemo that wasn't working and hope for a delayed reaction or try the more powerful one that may end your life or make you extremely sick ? How could we have all that on our shoulders ? We just wanted you to live so desperately we believed in you  
It's coming up to 7 years and that means you would have been gone as long as you were here and I feel so sad about that I feel sick and empty that no one really speaks to me about you anymore but the people who do all the time are your siblings and they are the most important. I hope you are ok and I hope you don't feel upset with me I hope I made the right choices for you when I had to be your voice. Love you with all my heart. Mummy xxx

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