Char, hey

 Christmas is over we did your little tradition with the cherry Bakewell. Remember how you loved Christmas Eve? 

Don’t be disappointed I know you must be with certain things because everything happens for a reason and Id rather be struggling like this then be back to what I used to have to deal with. I finally have freedom and that is good for me because for years I had none. No more days out ruined either and we can just enjoy them without anxiety 

I know you probably see me struggle and all I care about is your siblings they come before me I’ve never ever been selfish and I am proud of that. I also don’t have the safety of being at home whenever I need to like I used to when my grief is bad  I spoke to the doctor about this and we worked it out why I’ve been suffering more lately because I have to still go out in the world now when I need to just be at home but I’ll learn to adjust maybe as the years go by because I have no choice but to make sure the kids have enough they matter more then anyone else. 

Don’t worry about me I’ll be ok surrounded by love and you I feel you so much. 

I am so tired though I know you have helped me a lot lately you always answer when I ask you to change things you always do. 

Everything is real here and nothing is for show! Everything is better in its own way and I’ll carry the weight so they don’t have to 

I want to remember some things and be proud 

I tried so hard to make your childhood amazing I looked after you day in day out took you to school and clubs and made your favourite foods. I took you to see friends and playgroup and taught you to read and write I looked after you 24/7 and you made me laugh every day I took you to the park and splash park and swam with you  and danced and sang with you. I made your packed lunch every day because you hated school dinners.  I bought and read you rhino books too and other ones. I made sure I got you everything for Christmas you wanted and birthdays and I put on the best parties for you! I must of done a great job because everyone loved you so much. So glad I gave u sneaky days off or got you those special school shoes. I took you to all the clubs and shows on holidays too and you loved that

I just had your baby brother he was a newborn when you got sick so I’m sorry I had to take turns taking you to hospital because I was breastfeeding and couldn’t always deal with the meds they said I shouldn’t touch it and that’s because I was dealing with your sister and a baby I did stay when I could with baby but he slept in the pram so it was hard and I worry about some of the nights because you always had me there 24/7 before and  I had to go back and fourth I hope you wasn’t sad I always worry about those last few weeks and if we made the right choices but I know I gave you the best life I could so I hold on to that. 

I love you to the moon and back always and forever