Dear Charlie,
I caught the last half of beaches today and it made me think of you and how when someone who is faced with the end you just want to make them happy and comfortable, it made me think of people suffering and others who don't realise how lucky they are, they waste time and energy hating and being bitter over pathetic things and it is very sad. I saw a quote today 'I am sorry I couldn't save you' and I do have to deal with that because I am your mum and I couldn't save you, your life was in the hands of your doctor's and how did they feel about you ? They see kids in and out every day, really sick kids. Where you just a number ? That makes me sad. I do believe they believed they were doing the right thing. Trouble is I am your mum and you relied on daddy and me to make everything better we did try and try and try but we couldn't find the answer, we couldn't cure your cancer. I can't believe my Charlie had cancer in his brain. I don't think I've ever said that before. It's not fair at all its just not fair. You were full of life, happy and funny and my best friend. I wonder why and how but I will never know. Your room is changing and there is no going back but I will feel close to you when I sleep there. We had no choice and I still haven't finished your chest of drawers. Your medicine is still in the fridge with your name on and underwear still at the bottom of the wash basket, your dressing gown was still hanging on your bed, your Scooby doo dressing gown. Your award still on the fridge.
Love you Char x
Sunday, 27 September 2015
Friday, 25 September 2015
Strange few days
Dear Charlie,
Your baby sister has been asking after you most days, when we were in Tesco she said you were outside, she keeps saying she wants you to come home. I saw your school reports yesterday and remember how happy you were and they are fantastic, you were such a good boy. I miss it now your school friends have gone up to secondary school. I miss seeing them around and them calling me 'Charlie's mum' I have to keep going with Charlie charges on as its your charity and your memory and you can carry on forever through it. I'm scared to reach the 5 year anniversary, it seems such a long time and every day you are on my mind every minute that passes you are there in my mind. It feels like a fog.
I miss you Char x
Your baby sister has been asking after you most days, when we were in Tesco she said you were outside, she keeps saying she wants you to come home. I saw your school reports yesterday and remember how happy you were and they are fantastic, you were such a good boy. I miss it now your school friends have gone up to secondary school. I miss seeing them around and them calling me 'Charlie's mum' I have to keep going with Charlie charges on as its your charity and your memory and you can carry on forever through it. I'm scared to reach the 5 year anniversary, it seems such a long time and every day you are on my mind every minute that passes you are there in my mind. It feels like a fog.
I miss you Char x
Sunday, 20 September 2015
Dear Charlie,
Today's been hard
Oh boy that was hard walking into your bedroom, just heart breaking.
It feels so empty and I remember when your laughter filled the room. I could see you playing on the floor when you were about 4 and we were decorating it Spiderman, stickers on the wall the bed covers and the curtains you were so excited. I remember when you first moved up to that bedroom and you used to get a little frightened, I would be sorting clothes out at the bottom of your stairs and shout up "it's just me char putting the clothes away" and we used to leave the music channel room on in your room so you would feel safe at bed time I remember being down a level on our floor and shout night char love you and you would shout back. I don't want to forget anything, in scared I will forget and I need to write it's helping me a lot. The thought of forgetting anything terrifies me. I miss you
Today's been hard
Oh boy that was hard walking into your bedroom, just heart breaking.
It feels so empty and I remember when your laughter filled the room. I could see you playing on the floor when you were about 4 and we were decorating it Spiderman, stickers on the wall the bed covers and the curtains you were so excited. I remember when you first moved up to that bedroom and you used to get a little frightened, I would be sorting clothes out at the bottom of your stairs and shout up "it's just me char putting the clothes away" and we used to leave the music channel room on in your room so you would feel safe at bed time I remember being down a level on our floor and shout night char love you and you would shout back. I don't want to forget anything, in scared I will forget and I need to write it's helping me a lot. The thought of forgetting anything terrifies me. I miss you
Saturday, 19 September 2015
Mixed emotions
Dear Charlie, today we went to Callums birthday and Patsy told me I brought Callum his peppa pig house for his first birthday and I felt sad as you were alive then.
I did some more of your room when I got back. I couldn't bare to do any more of your clothes or take your uniform away so I will leave that for another time. I cuddled your clothes especially the yellow t shirt and black fila jumper we got you whilst you were having treatment to keep you warm as that silly treatment made you put on weight, you hated the way your hair and body changed we still don't share public photos of you looking that way as I know you were so conscious of it. I have made a special bag of special clothes I need to keep forever. Your first Liverpool kit was there, you had one Arsenal and one Liverpool one haha cheeky boy. Your brown and cream reversable next jumper that zipped up reminded me if happy times when you were well. Hey Char you remember Adam Sandler fims ? You loved them so much Happy Gilmore, The zohan, Billy Madisson, big daddy and we watched that the other day your guys loved the wee wee bit. When you were very ill and couldn't leave your bed anymore you used to watch your mini DVD player one of the last films you watched was bed time stories. Remember that awful woman from the charity ? They did good getting Adam Sandler to call you but didn't respect our wishes at all, when we asked them to bring Christmas to you early and the real Santa came she said in front of you he had some funny looks driving down the M25 silly woman, well I guess you know now he wasn't the real Santa anyway Charlie, the real Santa is big and cuddly and fat with rosie cheeks and a warm heart. I am giving some of your clothes to your brother. He is missing you very much especially lately as he asks after you. Remember when daddy used to say he was greedy and ate the Mac Donalds sign and you used to laugh your head off. Uncle Nat came around earlier and your brother was so happy it reminds me of how you loved your uncle's you grew up with them and loved them a lot. One day after you were gone uncle Chris was laying on the bed when callum was about 2 and callum said daddy Charlie is on your back was it you Charlie ? Uncle Chris got goose bumps
You really loved Spiderman remember the the DVD case of MJ ? Spiderman 2 haha Clair knows about that, hey remember you wanted a BBq ? You were finished treatment and Clair came and was very silly and made you laugh and jade and Amber came and so did Nanny and the boys, you and Amber writing words on your ds and sending to each other. We tried to bring the park to our house so you could play. We did a play house and sandpit
I miss you Char x
I did some more of your room when I got back. I couldn't bare to do any more of your clothes or take your uniform away so I will leave that for another time. I cuddled your clothes especially the yellow t shirt and black fila jumper we got you whilst you were having treatment to keep you warm as that silly treatment made you put on weight, you hated the way your hair and body changed we still don't share public photos of you looking that way as I know you were so conscious of it. I have made a special bag of special clothes I need to keep forever. Your first Liverpool kit was there, you had one Arsenal and one Liverpool one haha cheeky boy. Your brown and cream reversable next jumper that zipped up reminded me if happy times when you were well. Hey Char you remember Adam Sandler fims ? You loved them so much Happy Gilmore, The zohan, Billy Madisson, big daddy and we watched that the other day your guys loved the wee wee bit. When you were very ill and couldn't leave your bed anymore you used to watch your mini DVD player one of the last films you watched was bed time stories. Remember that awful woman from the charity ? They did good getting Adam Sandler to call you but didn't respect our wishes at all, when we asked them to bring Christmas to you early and the real Santa came she said in front of you he had some funny looks driving down the M25 silly woman, well I guess you know now he wasn't the real Santa anyway Charlie, the real Santa is big and cuddly and fat with rosie cheeks and a warm heart. I am giving some of your clothes to your brother. He is missing you very much especially lately as he asks after you. Remember when daddy used to say he was greedy and ate the Mac Donalds sign and you used to laugh your head off. Uncle Nat came around earlier and your brother was so happy it reminds me of how you loved your uncle's you grew up with them and loved them a lot. One day after you were gone uncle Chris was laying on the bed when callum was about 2 and callum said daddy Charlie is on your back was it you Charlie ? Uncle Chris got goose bumps
You really loved Spiderman remember the the DVD case of MJ ? Spiderman 2 haha Clair knows about that, hey remember you wanted a BBq ? You were finished treatment and Clair came and was very silly and made you laugh and jade and Amber came and so did Nanny and the boys, you and Amber writing words on your ds and sending to each other. We tried to bring the park to our house so you could play. We did a play house and sandpit
I miss you Char x
Friday, 18 September 2015
Remembering you today
Dear Charlie,
Today we saw Mrs Dicketts and I remember you used to call her Mrs tickets, we spoke about your special book because I read through it the other day it made me happy and sad. I remember when we used to go to school and you would run along shouting like a lunatic. I remember taking you for a few afternoons after you was diagnosed,that was so sad. You would sit and draw and have lunch with your friends. Penny waited for us to have your class photo done, I'm glad we made it in time. It's so heartbreaking going through your room. I don't want to do it. Your school uniform is still folded in your drawers and so are your other clothes and pjs. I really wish you were still here. I feel like people get fed up with me talking about you, not the people who loved you, they would never be fed up but I feel everyone else might be. I love you Char x
Today we saw Mrs Dicketts and I remember you used to call her Mrs tickets, we spoke about your special book because I read through it the other day it made me happy and sad. I remember when we used to go to school and you would run along shouting like a lunatic. I remember taking you for a few afternoons after you was diagnosed,that was so sad. You would sit and draw and have lunch with your friends. Penny waited for us to have your class photo done, I'm glad we made it in time. It's so heartbreaking going through your room. I don't want to do it. Your school uniform is still folded in your drawers and so are your other clothes and pjs. I really wish you were still here. I feel like people get fed up with me talking about you, not the people who loved you, they would never be fed up but I feel everyone else might be. I love you Char x
Dealing with losing my 7 year old son to Brain cancer
Dear Charlie, I don't know why I didn't do this earlier, I wish I did, I find it hard to say my feelings I'm so frightened I will forget things I don't want to forget anything at all, today I thought about when Mr Germaine came over to do your sisters nursery home visit and you were so happy to see him, you were looking forward to him coming and he gave you a high five. I felt bad he left as Patience the health visitor had turned up and she was wanting you to be healed.
I often think about how tall you would be now. I miss you. Today your littlest sister has been saying she wants you to come home. It's very hard for her to understand.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)