Dear Charlie,
Today I felt really sad I talked to my friend about October and how hard it can be, you started to slowly shut down. I came home and felt so sad today I remembered when it was your last day with us wizard of oz was on the television when you had to go. I can't even write the rest but it haunts me. I wanted you to stay forever.
How on earth did you get that illness ? Where did it come from ? Why did it happen ? I miss your face and smile and I miss your voice and your sweet singing. I miss your jokes I miss it all.
Love you Char
Sunday, 25 October 2015
Thursday, 22 October 2015
It is that time of year again
Dear Charlie,
You are always on my mind, but there's just something about Autumn, you had to leave then. When the leaves start to fall from the trees and the weather turns a little colder and the evening draws in, the memory of losing you comes to the front again.
I'm utterly exhausted emotionally and physically from the last event but pleased we did it.
Everything is changing around me and I'm scared the memories will fade, I don't want them to.
I remember when I used to wake up in the morning and you were there sneaked in the middle of the night and down the end of my bed by my feet. I remember when you started to get sick so I let you stay in bed with me.
The hospital has a lot to answer for, daddy had a bad leg the other day and they saw him so quickly he was in and out with an xray so fast, yet all I could think about was you with brain cancer they refused to scan or take me seriously and made up other rubbish diagnosis.
Remember when you used to run in from school and put 2 sausage rolls in the microwave, just a memory I have. You would watch Phineas and ferb, Hannah Montana, the suite life of Zack and Cody or play Mario on your ds. You loved hats in the winter to keep warm but got fed up with them after you were diagnosed. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that Charlie, as your mum I was supposed to protect you from anything, I thought I'd always be able to but that, that thing I had no control over, I am so so sorry I couldn't save you we tried so hard but no hospital in the world could do anything. I felt so useless.
I miss you Charlie and think about you and the loss of you every single day
Love you Char
You are always on my mind, but there's just something about Autumn, you had to leave then. When the leaves start to fall from the trees and the weather turns a little colder and the evening draws in, the memory of losing you comes to the front again.
I'm utterly exhausted emotionally and physically from the last event but pleased we did it.
Everything is changing around me and I'm scared the memories will fade, I don't want them to.
I remember when I used to wake up in the morning and you were there sneaked in the middle of the night and down the end of my bed by my feet. I remember when you started to get sick so I let you stay in bed with me.
The hospital has a lot to answer for, daddy had a bad leg the other day and they saw him so quickly he was in and out with an xray so fast, yet all I could think about was you with brain cancer they refused to scan or take me seriously and made up other rubbish diagnosis.
Remember when you used to run in from school and put 2 sausage rolls in the microwave, just a memory I have. You would watch Phineas and ferb, Hannah Montana, the suite life of Zack and Cody or play Mario on your ds. You loved hats in the winter to keep warm but got fed up with them after you were diagnosed. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that Charlie, as your mum I was supposed to protect you from anything, I thought I'd always be able to but that, that thing I had no control over, I am so so sorry I couldn't save you we tried so hard but no hospital in the world could do anything. I felt so useless.
I miss you Charlie and think about you and the loss of you every single day
Love you Char
Wednesday, 14 October 2015
Dear Charlie,
I haven't written in a few days, I have been busy organising our next charity event. Today as I was driving back down the A41 I had a flash back of driving down there when you were really ill and we didn't know what was wrong, it made me sad. I remember thinking it was serious and I needed to know you would get better, I felt despair and sadness. I miss you and sometimes feel I must have been like a robot to get through that nightmare, life has definitely not been the same since we lost you but I make sure your brother and sisters really enjoy themselves as they have been asking for you a lot recently and it is hard. Your biggest sis is doing amazing at her ballet. It's her love and she does so well. We all miss you and there is an emptyness that could never fill but we keep your memory alive and feel you around. I remember you singing in the kitchen. I remember when Patience the health visitor came round to do your brothers checks when he was born and she was terrified of our dog and you tricked her with your remote control spider that was so funny. I remember telling her you were having pains in your eyes and I hoped it was only migraines but she said I had to believe it was not anything serious. I remember she went above and beyond her job and when you were diagnosed she came around as a friend and prayed with you. What a kind lady. I miss you Char x
I haven't written in a few days, I have been busy organising our next charity event. Today as I was driving back down the A41 I had a flash back of driving down there when you were really ill and we didn't know what was wrong, it made me sad. I remember thinking it was serious and I needed to know you would get better, I felt despair and sadness. I miss you and sometimes feel I must have been like a robot to get through that nightmare, life has definitely not been the same since we lost you but I make sure your brother and sisters really enjoy themselves as they have been asking for you a lot recently and it is hard. Your biggest sis is doing amazing at her ballet. It's her love and she does so well. We all miss you and there is an emptyness that could never fill but we keep your memory alive and feel you around. I remember you singing in the kitchen. I remember when Patience the health visitor came round to do your brothers checks when he was born and she was terrified of our dog and you tricked her with your remote control spider that was so funny. I remember telling her you were having pains in your eyes and I hoped it was only migraines but she said I had to believe it was not anything serious. I remember she went above and beyond her job and when you were diagnosed she came around as a friend and prayed with you. What a kind lady. I miss you Char x
Monday, 28 September 2015
Emotional
Dear Charlie,
I caught the last half of beaches today and it made me think of you and how when someone who is faced with the end you just want to make them happy and comfortable, it made me think of people suffering and others who don't realise how lucky they are, they waste time and energy hating and being bitter over pathetic things and it is very sad. I saw a quote today 'I am sorry I couldn't save you' and I do have to deal with that because I am your mum and I couldn't save you, your life was in the hands of your doctor's and how did they feel about you ? They see kids in and out every day, really sick kids. Where you just a number ? That makes me sad. I do believe they believed they were doing the right thing. Trouble is I am your mum and you relied on daddy and me to make everything better we did try and try and try but we couldn't find the answer, we couldn't cure your cancer. I can't believe my Charlie had cancer in his brain. I don't think I've ever said that before. It's not fair at all its just not fair. You were full of life, happy and funny and my best friend. I wonder why and how but I will never know. Your room is changing and there is no going back but I will feel close to you when I sleep there. We had no choice and I still haven't finished your chest of drawers. Your medicine is still in the fridge with your name on and underwear still at the bottom of the wash basket, your dressing gown was still hanging on your bed, your Scooby doo dressing gown. Your award still on the fridge.
Love you Char x
I caught the last half of beaches today and it made me think of you and how when someone who is faced with the end you just want to make them happy and comfortable, it made me think of people suffering and others who don't realise how lucky they are, they waste time and energy hating and being bitter over pathetic things and it is very sad. I saw a quote today 'I am sorry I couldn't save you' and I do have to deal with that because I am your mum and I couldn't save you, your life was in the hands of your doctor's and how did they feel about you ? They see kids in and out every day, really sick kids. Where you just a number ? That makes me sad. I do believe they believed they were doing the right thing. Trouble is I am your mum and you relied on daddy and me to make everything better we did try and try and try but we couldn't find the answer, we couldn't cure your cancer. I can't believe my Charlie had cancer in his brain. I don't think I've ever said that before. It's not fair at all its just not fair. You were full of life, happy and funny and my best friend. I wonder why and how but I will never know. Your room is changing and there is no going back but I will feel close to you when I sleep there. We had no choice and I still haven't finished your chest of drawers. Your medicine is still in the fridge with your name on and underwear still at the bottom of the wash basket, your dressing gown was still hanging on your bed, your Scooby doo dressing gown. Your award still on the fridge.
Love you Char x
Friday, 25 September 2015
Strange few days
Dear Charlie,
Your baby sister has been asking after you most days, when we were in Tesco she said you were outside, she keeps saying she wants you to come home. I saw your school reports yesterday and remember how happy you were and they are fantastic, you were such a good boy. I miss it now your school friends have gone up to secondary school. I miss seeing them around and them calling me 'Charlie's mum' I have to keep going with Charlie charges on as its your charity and your memory and you can carry on forever through it. I'm scared to reach the 5 year anniversary, it seems such a long time and every day you are on my mind every minute that passes you are there in my mind. It feels like a fog.
I miss you Char x
Your baby sister has been asking after you most days, when we were in Tesco she said you were outside, she keeps saying she wants you to come home. I saw your school reports yesterday and remember how happy you were and they are fantastic, you were such a good boy. I miss it now your school friends have gone up to secondary school. I miss seeing them around and them calling me 'Charlie's mum' I have to keep going with Charlie charges on as its your charity and your memory and you can carry on forever through it. I'm scared to reach the 5 year anniversary, it seems such a long time and every day you are on my mind every minute that passes you are there in my mind. It feels like a fog.
I miss you Char x
Monday, 21 September 2015
Dear Charlie,
Today's been hard
Oh boy that was hard walking into your bedroom, just heart breaking.
It feels so empty and I remember when your laughter filled the room. I could see you playing on the floor when you were about 4 and we were decorating it Spiderman, stickers on the wall the bed covers and the curtains you were so excited. I remember when you first moved up to that bedroom and you used to get a little frightened, I would be sorting clothes out at the bottom of your stairs and shout up "it's just me char putting the clothes away" and we used to leave the music channel room on in your room so you would feel safe at bed time I remember being down a level on our floor and shout night char love you and you would shout back. I don't want to forget anything, in scared I will forget and I need to write it's helping me a lot. The thought of forgetting anything terrifies me. I miss you
Today's been hard
Oh boy that was hard walking into your bedroom, just heart breaking.
It feels so empty and I remember when your laughter filled the room. I could see you playing on the floor when you were about 4 and we were decorating it Spiderman, stickers on the wall the bed covers and the curtains you were so excited. I remember when you first moved up to that bedroom and you used to get a little frightened, I would be sorting clothes out at the bottom of your stairs and shout up "it's just me char putting the clothes away" and we used to leave the music channel room on in your room so you would feel safe at bed time I remember being down a level on our floor and shout night char love you and you would shout back. I don't want to forget anything, in scared I will forget and I need to write it's helping me a lot. The thought of forgetting anything terrifies me. I miss you
Sunday, 20 September 2015
Mixed emotions
Dear Charlie, today we went to Callums birthday and Patsy told me I brought Callum his peppa pig house for his first birthday and I felt sad as you were alive then.
I did some more of your room when I got back. I couldn't bare to do any more of your clothes or take your uniform away so I will leave that for another time. I cuddled your clothes especially the yellow t shirt and black fila jumper we got you whilst you were having treatment to keep you warm as that silly treatment made you put on weight, you hated the way your hair and body changed we still don't share public photos of you looking that way as I know you were so conscious of it. I have made a special bag of special clothes I need to keep forever. Your first Liverpool kit was there, you had one Arsenal and one Liverpool one haha cheeky boy. Your brown and cream reversable next jumper that zipped up reminded me if happy times when you were well. Hey Char you remember Adam Sandler fims ? You loved them so much Happy Gilmore, The zohan, Billy Madisson, big daddy and we watched that the other day your guys loved the wee wee bit. When you were very ill and couldn't leave your bed anymore you used to watch your mini DVD player one of the last films you watched was bed time stories. Remember that awful woman from the charity ? They did good getting Adam Sandler to call you but didn't respect our wishes at all, when we asked them to bring Christmas to you early and the real Santa came she said in front of you he had some funny looks driving down the M25 silly woman, well I guess you know now he wasn't the real Santa anyway Charlie, the real Santa is big and cuddly and fat with rosie cheeks and a warm heart. I am giving some of your clothes to your brother. He is missing you very much especially lately as he asks after you. Remember when daddy used to say he was greedy and ate the Mac Donalds sign and you used to laugh your head off. Uncle Nat came around earlier and your brother was so happy it reminds me of how you loved your uncle's you grew up with them and loved them a lot. One day after you were gone uncle Chris was laying on the bed when callum was about 2 and callum said daddy Charlie is on your back was it you Charlie ? Uncle Chris got goose bumps
You really loved Spiderman remember the the DVD case of MJ ? Spiderman 2 haha Clair knows about that, hey remember you wanted a BBq ? You were finished treatment and Clair came and was very silly and made you laugh and jade and Amber came and so did Nanny and the boys, you and Amber writing words on your ds and sending to each other. We tried to bring the park to our house so you could play. We did a play house and sandpit
I miss you Char x
I did some more of your room when I got back. I couldn't bare to do any more of your clothes or take your uniform away so I will leave that for another time. I cuddled your clothes especially the yellow t shirt and black fila jumper we got you whilst you were having treatment to keep you warm as that silly treatment made you put on weight, you hated the way your hair and body changed we still don't share public photos of you looking that way as I know you were so conscious of it. I have made a special bag of special clothes I need to keep forever. Your first Liverpool kit was there, you had one Arsenal and one Liverpool one haha cheeky boy. Your brown and cream reversable next jumper that zipped up reminded me if happy times when you were well. Hey Char you remember Adam Sandler fims ? You loved them so much Happy Gilmore, The zohan, Billy Madisson, big daddy and we watched that the other day your guys loved the wee wee bit. When you were very ill and couldn't leave your bed anymore you used to watch your mini DVD player one of the last films you watched was bed time stories. Remember that awful woman from the charity ? They did good getting Adam Sandler to call you but didn't respect our wishes at all, when we asked them to bring Christmas to you early and the real Santa came she said in front of you he had some funny looks driving down the M25 silly woman, well I guess you know now he wasn't the real Santa anyway Charlie, the real Santa is big and cuddly and fat with rosie cheeks and a warm heart. I am giving some of your clothes to your brother. He is missing you very much especially lately as he asks after you. Remember when daddy used to say he was greedy and ate the Mac Donalds sign and you used to laugh your head off. Uncle Nat came around earlier and your brother was so happy it reminds me of how you loved your uncle's you grew up with them and loved them a lot. One day after you were gone uncle Chris was laying on the bed when callum was about 2 and callum said daddy Charlie is on your back was it you Charlie ? Uncle Chris got goose bumps
You really loved Spiderman remember the the DVD case of MJ ? Spiderman 2 haha Clair knows about that, hey remember you wanted a BBq ? You were finished treatment and Clair came and was very silly and made you laugh and jade and Amber came and so did Nanny and the boys, you and Amber writing words on your ds and sending to each other. We tried to bring the park to our house so you could play. We did a play house and sandpit
I miss you Char x
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