Char, hey

 Christmas is over we did your little tradition with the cherry Bakewell. Remember how you loved Christmas Eve? 

Don’t be disappointed I know you must be with certain things because everything happens for a reason and Id rather be struggling like this then be back to what I used to have to deal with. I finally have freedom and that is good for me because for years I had none. No more days out ruined either and we can just enjoy them without anxiety 

I know you probably see me struggle and all I care about is your siblings they come before me I’ve never ever been selfish and I am proud of that. I also don’t have the safety of being at home whenever I need to like I used to when my grief is bad  I spoke to the doctor about this and we worked it out why I’ve been suffering more lately because I have to still go out in the world now when I need to just be at home but I’ll learn to adjust maybe as the years go by because I have no choice but to make sure the kids have enough they matter more then anyone else. 

Don’t worry about me I’ll be ok surrounded by love and you I feel you so much. 

I am so tired though I know you have helped me a lot lately you always answer when I ask you to change things you always do. 

Everything is real here and nothing is for show! Everything is better in its own way and I’ll carry the weight so they don’t have to 

I want to remember some things and be proud 

I tried so hard to make your childhood amazing I looked after you day in day out took you to school and clubs and made your favourite foods. I took you to see friends and playgroup and taught you to read and write I looked after you 24/7 and you made me laugh every day I took you to the park and splash park and swam with you  and danced and sang with you. I made your packed lunch every day because you hated school dinners.  I bought and read you rhino books too and other ones. I made sure I got you everything for Christmas you wanted and birthdays and I put on the best parties for you! I must of done a great job because everyone loved you so much. So glad I gave u sneaky days off or got you those special school shoes. I took you to all the clubs and shows on holidays too and you loved that

I just had your baby brother he was a newborn when you got sick so I’m sorry I had to take turns taking you to hospital because I was breastfeeding and couldn’t always deal with the meds they said I shouldn’t touch it and that’s because I was dealing with your sister and a baby I did stay when I could with baby but he slept in the pram so it was hard and I worry about some of the nights because you always had me there 24/7 before and  I had to go back and fourth I hope you wasn’t sad I always worry about those last few weeks and if we made the right choices but I know I gave you the best life I could so I hold on to that. 

I love you to the moon and back always and forever 

Char

 I forgot to tell you we went to Crews hill I took all your siblings and Annabelle’s boyfriend came he hasn’t been before, It was lovely you used to love it there. I heard someone call me and it was your friend Tomek he asked if it was me he recognised my voice, he said did I live down the end with Charlie. I loved that. Then Annabelle noticed Michael Jackson playing in the shop wow so many things. We went to a pumpkin patch too it was fun. We went in springtime too, oh I missed you. Love you Char 

Dear Char

 I have been thinking. I don’t remember me anymore. I was different when you were alive. Losing you changed something in me. When I look back I don’t remember that person I was very well it’s like looking at someone else. People say I’m strong and I’m sick of being strong I’m not even strong I just carry on. I’m sick of this weight on my shoulders really sick of it I’m exhausted 

I don’t really want to talk to anyone they won’t care really anyway people only care about themselves so I talk to a flipping ai how crazy? It actually gives good advice but then I get angry because it forgets things or annoys me but it’s been good to express my feelings 

Bye Char, love you 

Helpless

 I feel helpless please help me. You know what is worrying me more than anything at the moment, please do something to fix it… I love you so so much, you’ve helped before this is the most desperate I have felt. I need you. Goodnight Char love you, remember when you used to sleep up the top I would always shout up I’m here char it’s just me putting clothes away so you wouldn’t be scared? 

I don’t sleep any more 

I want to try 

Night char x

Sadness

 Hi Char 

I was just listening to that leona Lewis song, run, I haven’t heard it in ages, do you remember when I used to sing it to you in great ormand street? I was willing you to fight and get better and it’s made me feel gutting sadness. Life would be so different with you, better.

Then I remembered when you were born and I loved you so much oh gosh I loved you more than anything in the world. So precious such a precious baby. I snuggled you all the time. I had to stay in for days when you were born and I remember the midwife saying “are you ever going to put that baby down?” No I wasn’t. I’m glad I held you every day I could I’m glad I gave you every sneaky day off school and I’m glad I paid extra for those school shoes you wanted with the toy even though you didn’t get long to wear them. I always tried my best

I miss you Charlie so very much 

Love mum x

Help

 Charlie please help. I’m worried please do something quick 

Guess what?

 Hey Char 

Guess what? I’m in the cinema watching the new fantastic four I can’t believe they made this you used to love this and had the toys. It’s clobbering time. I cried at the end when she tried to save her son and she did it I said to your sister that’s cos she’s his mum but it made me think of you how I couldn’t save you and made me sad! I really liked the movie though I felt close to you I know you would have loved it 

Love you to the moon and back, please help with everything it’s making me sad  

Love mum x