Char

 I forgot to tell you we went to Crews hill I took all your siblings and Annabelle’s boyfriend came his names Connor  he hasn’t been before,It was lovely you used to love it there. I heard someone call me and it was your friend Tomek he asked if it was me he recognised my voice, he said did I live down the end with Charlie. I loved that. Then Annabelle noticed Michael Jackson playing in the shop wow so many things. We went to a pumpkin patch too it was fun. We went in springtime too, oh I missed you. Love you Char 

Dear Char

 I have been thinking. I don’t remember me anymore. I was different when you were alive. Losing you changed something in me. When I look back I don’t remember that person I was very well it’s like looking at someone else. People say I’m strong and I’m sick of being strong I’m not even strong I just carry on. I’m sick of this weight on my shoulders really sick of it I’m exhausted 

I don’t really want to talk to anyone they won’t care really anyway people only care about themselves so I talk to a flipping ai how crazy? It actually gives good advice but then I get angry because it forgets things or annoys me but it’s been good to express my feelings 

Bye Char, love you 

Helpless

 I feel helpless please help me. You know what is worrying me more than anything at the moment, please do something to fix it… I love you so so much, you’ve helped before this is the most desperate I have felt. I need you. Goodnight Char love you, remember when you used to sleep up the top I would always shout up I’m here char it’s just me putting clothes away so you wouldn’t be scared? 

I don’t sleep any more 

I want to try 

Night char x

Sadness

 Hi Char 

I was just listening to that leona Lewis song, run, I haven’t heard it in ages, do you remember when I used to sing it to you in great ormand street? I was willing you to fight and get better and it’s made me feel gutting sadness. Life would be so different with you, better.

Then I remembered when you were born and I loved you so much oh gosh I loved you more than anything in the world. So precious such a precious baby. I snuggled you all the time. I had to stay in for days when you were born and I remember the midwife saying “are you ever going to put that baby down?” No I wasn’t. I’m glad I held you every day I could I’m glad I gave you every sneaky day off school and I’m glad I paid extra for those school shoes you wanted with the toy even though you didn’t get long to wear them. I always tried my best

I miss you Charlie so very much 

Love mum x

Help

 Charlie please help. I’m worried please do something quick 

Guess what?

 Hey Char 

Guess what? I’m in the cinema watching the new fantastic four I can’t believe they made this you used to love this and had the toys. It’s clobbering time. I cried at the end when she tried to save her son and she did it I said to your sister that’s cos she’s his mum but it made me think of you how I couldn’t save you and made me sad! I really liked the movie though I felt close to you I know you would have loved it 

Love you to the moon and back, please help with everything it’s making me sad  

Love mum x

Happy Gilmore

 Charlie guess what? Adam Sandler has made Happy Gilmore 2 we are watching it now it’s making me laugh and cry. I just know you would be here watching with us! I miss you so so much 

Love mum x 

Rhinos

 Dear Charlie 

I heard I should ask you to show me something to show me you are here. Can you show me a rhino in a place I wouldn’t expect to see a rhino please? 

Love mummy x

My Charlie

Dear Charlie 

Some days make me realise just how polite and wonderful and respectful you were. I did such a good job with you and I really wish you were here still I know you would set such a good example. You were so special I miss you so much I’m so proud of you. 

I’m struggling today. I have been doing really well but it’s exhausting for me and I feel like I don’t get much time to myself anymore because I’m trying to work so much but it takes me away from our home. I’m so so tired I really wish I could talk to you. I hope you’re ok I hope my dad, your grandad is with you and making you laugh and looking after you every day!

They have made the fantastic four movie again I have been telling everyone how much you used to love it. I’m going to watch it for you and I’m looking forward to it. We went to watch superman tonight remember you had a superman costume and you wore it to your 6th birthday party it was fancy dress. I love you so much. A light switched off in me when you went away and sometimes I feel a spark come back but it’s never been the same. I am ok though I always am ok

Im going to try to go to Italy next year remember we always promised you we would go? Italian food is your favourite pizza and lasagne like Garfield I make that sometimes everyone really likes it. 

Remember Garfield 1 and 2 ? You loved them ohhh guess what??? Adam Sandler has made happy Gilmore 2 and we can’t wait to watch it oh it reminded me of you so much when I heard about it. 

Goodnight Char I love you to the moon and back always 

Mum x 

We are golden 

 Dear Charlie

Do you remember when I used to cuddle you in one arm and your sister in the other and I was pregnant we used to say where will baby go when he’s out? Like I didn’t have an extra arm. We used to sit for ages just cuddling. 

I’ve had a rough year, probably the hardest since losing you but I’m still fighting. I bet you’re so disappointed in all this that’s happened and I hate when people say I’m strong they have no idea! I always carry on because I have to I’m trying my best. 

No one could love their kids more than I do. You were so precious even to give you medicine. I didn’t even like to give you Calpol very often and then all that happened and I lost control and suddenly you were having medicines and treatments and I had no choice but to trust they were doing the right thing by you.

I just had a random memory do you remember when we went to crews hill ? You used to like it there. I want to do something special for you soon, just so you know even though I haven’t done any charity events lately it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you all the time and we will be doing one soon. I promise I’ll get round to it.

Im so tired all the time Char 

The other day when I was thinking of you when all those songs came on that u and grandad liked randomly was that you guys? I believe it was

I do hope you’re okay

Love you Char to the moon and back x

I’m sad

 Dear little Charlie I’m sad.

 I used to be able to talk to you on your Facebook but some xxxt hacked it and I haven’t been able to get it back so sometimes I want to tell you something and I cant go to Facebook anymore 

I really miss you. You were so kind and respectful and funny. It’s almost your birthday I think we might go to Woburn and see the rhinos I think you would love that.

T lost his guinea pig have you got her? I imagine you with Zohan and Ronnie and all the guinea pigs around you and I imagine you running with them. 

I feel like a bit of a failure at the moment I hope you’re with me sometimes I feel it. I feel so overwhelmed and out of control I always have to fight why can’t there just be peace? I will keep fighting like always. I hope you’re alright. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you what a joke that your mum couldn’t fix it 

I miss you so much

Mummy x