Dear Charlie, Wednesday was a sad day turned into something special and positive getting that pup will now put a wonderful memory on the same day.
We can try to move on from Zohan but I still miss him.
I miss you every day. I hope you will be proud we are doing another charity ball in your memory. I'd love to cuddle you again.
I hope you know why we have made some changes and understand how hard it has been but you are still here everywhere in our home and always in our hearts. I should have a teenage son next month but you will always be 7 to me. I miss your jokes son.
Love you char x

Dear Charlie,
I feel like everything around me is changing and the things that were yours are disappearing. It makes me feel sad, your drawing on the fridge is fading . We had to say good bye to your dog which was heartbraking. I miss him. Your room has been changed but I want you to know its because we had no choice and needed space. I have kept lots of your clothes, ones that bring me happy and ones that bring sad memories too. I don't want things to fade away.
I have about special boxes of special things of yours.
Your things are still everywhere, pants in the bottom of the laundry basket still.
Medicine still in the fridge with your name on.
I bumped into someone who knew you when you were born the other day and we talked about you and your room and I loved it because people I see alot don't really ask much anymore. I liked someone recognizing everything that has happened.
I want you to know that no matter what happens or where ever I am I love you very much and miss you every day.
Love you Char x

Hey Charlie,
It's New year's eve. I remember you always used to ask is it happy New year yet ?
I miss you and was just thinking how we have had to adapt to a life without you but every day I wonder.
I feel your absence every day.
I don't really like New year I always used to stay in with you and see in the New year without you
I am a different person since you have been gone and I think it was the day you were diagnosed ini changed. I don't remember the person I was before or when I do it doesn't feel like me.
I  Can describe how I feel like the ocean and at the moment I feel like I'm floating along then a storm will come and the waves are pain from losing you and it gets unbearable and then they pass and I drift along and the last few weeks I have been floating along again the damage is there but it's more peaceful. I never know when the waves or storm will hit me again and how long they will last but I am good at floating through it
But even when the storm is there I hide it from others as I don't want to talk but I like to write and it helps.
Love you char x

Dear Charlie,
It's been a hard few weeks but I have actually enjoyed staying in your bedroom and it's not anywhere as hard as sorting through your things. I found myself in deep grief at the start of it but soldiered through. Now we face Christmas without you. Charlie I've had a break from Charlie charges on since Greek night, it was consuming me and I will pick up in the new year I promise you. We are planning some big things for next year in memory of you. Know that you are always on my mind little man but I just needed a break to concentrate on the mammoth task of your bedroom. We went to watch star wars in the cinema and I thought of you all the way through. I knew you would have been there with us
I really love and miss you son, love you so much Char.

Dear Charlie,
Sometimes I have a thought, a little thing in my mind. I daydream that you come back. I daydream that someone knocks on the door and say there was a mistake and you are still alive and they were looking after you. I know it's silly but I do sometimes imagine you coming home again and work out scenarios that can get you here. I wonder how your sisters and brother would react and how happy they would be to see you in our home. I imagine hugging you again and kissing your cheek.
I have been trying not to overthink your impending anniversary at the weekend as I don't want to drive myself mad.
It is mad though such complete madness that you have been gone for 5 years. I thought I didn't want to breathe without you but I made it.
You have some flowers in your garden already from people
It makes me so happy to see flowers for your anniversary, that people, no matter how many years still mark it and show they love you
Really miss you Char x

Nearly that time

Dear Charlie,
It's very near to your anniversary and I am trying hard not to think of how you were this day 5 years ago.
I am sad it will be  5 Years since I made you breakfast, cuddled and kissed you and 5 years since I cooked you dinner or watched tv with you. 5 years Charlie is such a long time yet it feels like only yesterday you were in the house.
I miss you. Today I bought tiger biscuits that is what you called them (macaroons)  I remember how you loved them.
I remember you singing walking on sunshine, that makes me smile. The children are selling drawings at school for you and Charlie Charges On. That is sweet. We are going to put more plaques up soon in your memory for all the money we raised for brain tumour research.
I don't like the idea of 5 years it sounds such a long time. I have tried not to think about it but I can't help it. I try to fill my brain with other thoughts but sometimes it takes over
I love you Charlie. X

The switch has been pressed

Dear Charlie,
We made it through to November and now we have to make it through this month. Such an incredibly sad time of the year. It's always there but I've been better than usual  this week I said it could change in a matter of minutes or days and today the switch, yes the incredible sadness.
Why did you have to go ? Am I a bad person ? What did I do wrong ? Why did you get that horrible illness when there are so many bad people in the world ?
I remember you loved mars bars. We went out yesterday and I remember you dressed as a werewolf and howled out of the car window as we drove to nannys house. I remember you picked the warewolf suit from Sainsburys. A little boy knocked last night and he looked ill he had lost his hair and I wanted to say something but I couldn't I was screaming inside I know I know. They must have thought I was rude as I was staring, I'm sorry I couldn't help it it wasn't rude, they had no idea why. It's not often we see children going through similar to you, so I ask again why you Char ?
I don't know. You loved our park bushy park, it was your favourite lots of people know about it now so I don't make it there much, but I should go.
Your baby sister said I want Charlie to come back, today, we now have to change the subject as she gets upset when we try to explain you can't come back.
I feel like I can't get excited for things I just need to get through the next few weeks
Love you Char