Saturday, 24 October 2015

Dear Charlie,

Today I felt really sad I talked to my friend about October and how hard it can be, you started to slowly shut down. I came home and felt so sad today I remembered when it was your last day with us wizard of oz was on the television when you had to go. I can't even write the rest but it haunts me. I wanted you to stay forever.
How on earth did you get that illness ? Where did it come from ? Why did it happen ? I miss your face and smile and I miss your voice and your sweet singing. I miss your jokes I miss it all.

Love you Char

Thursday, 22 October 2015

It is that time of year again

Dear Charlie,

You are always on my mind, but there's just something about Autumn, you had to leave then. When the leaves start to fall from the trees and the weather turns a little colder and the evening draws in, the memory of losing you comes to the front again.
I'm utterly exhausted emotionally and physically from the last event but pleased we did it.
Everything is changing around me and I'm scared the memories will fade, I don't want them to.
I remember when I used to wake up in the morning and you were there sneaked in the middle of the night and down the end of my bed by my feet. I remember when you started to get sick so I let you stay in bed with me.
The hospital has a lot to answer for, daddy had a bad leg the other day and they saw him so quickly he was in and out with an xray so fast, yet all I could think about was you with brain cancer they refused to scan or take me seriously and made up other rubbish diagnosis.
Remember when you used to run in from school and put 2 sausage rolls in the microwave, just a memory I have. You would watch Phineas and ferb, Hannah Montana, the suite life of Zack and Cody or play Mario on your ds. You loved hats in the winter to keep warm but got fed up with them after you were diagnosed. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that Charlie, as your mum I was supposed to protect you from anything, I thought I'd always be able to but that, that thing I had no control over, I am so so sorry I couldn't save you we tried so hard but no hospital in the world could do anything. I felt so useless.
I miss you Charlie and think about you and the loss of you every single day
Love you Char

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Dear Charlie,
I haven't written in a few days, I have been busy organising our next charity event. Today as I was driving back down the A41 I had a flash back of driving down there when you were really ill and we didn't know what was wrong, it made me sad. I remember thinking it was serious and I needed to know you would get better, I felt despair and sadness. I miss you and sometimes feel I must have been like a robot to get through that nightmare, life has definitely not been the same since we lost you but I make sure your brother and sisters really enjoy themselves as they have been asking for you a lot recently and it is hard. Your biggest sis is doing amazing at her ballet. It's her love and she does so well. We all miss you and there is an emptyness that could never fill but we keep your memory alive and feel you around. I remember you singing in the kitchen. I remember when Patience the health visitor came round to do your brothers checks when he was born and she was terrified of our dog and you tricked her with your remote control spider that was so funny. I remember telling her you were having pains in your eyes and I hoped it was only migraines but she said I had to believe it was not anything serious. I remember she went above and beyond her job and when you were diagnosed she came around as a friend and prayed with you. What a kind lady. I miss you Char x