Thursday, 31 December 2015

Hey Charlie,
It's New year's eve. I remember you always used to ask is it happy New year yet ?
I miss you and was just thinking how we have had to adapt to a life without you but every day I wonder.
I feel your absence every day.
I don't really like New year I always used to stay in with you and see in the New year without you
I am a different person since you have been gone and I think it was the day you were diagnosed ini changed. I don't remember the person I was before or when I do it doesn't feel like me.
I  Can describe how I feel like the ocean and at the moment I feel like I'm floating along then a storm will come and the waves are pain from losing you and it gets unbearable and then they pass and I drift along and the last few weeks I have been floating along again the damage is there but it's more peaceful. I never know when the waves or storm will hit me again and how long they will last but I am good at floating through it
But even when the storm is there I hide it from others as I don't want to talk but I like to write and it helps.
Love you char x

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Dear Charlie,
It's been a hard few weeks but I have actually enjoyed staying in your bedroom and it's not anywhere as hard as sorting through your things. I found myself in deep grief at the start of it but soldiered through. Now we face Christmas without you. Charlie I've had a break from Charlie charges on since Greek night, it was consuming me and I will pick up in the new year I promise you. We are planning some big things for next year in memory of you. Know that you are always on my mind little man but I just needed a break to concentrate on the mammoth task of your bedroom. We went to watch star wars in the cinema and I thought of you all the way through. I knew you would have been there with us
I really love and miss you son, love you so much Char.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Dear Charlie,
Sometimes I have a thought, a little thing in my mind. I daydream that you come back. I daydream that someone knocks on the door and say there was a mistake and you are still alive and they were looking after you. I know it's silly but I do sometimes imagine you coming home again and work out scenarios that can get you here. I wonder how your sisters and brother would react and how happy they would be to see you in our home. I imagine hugging you again and kissing your cheek.
I have been trying not to overthink your impending anniversary at the weekend as I don't want to drive myself mad.
It is mad though such complete madness that you have been gone for 5 years. I thought I didn't want to breathe without you but I made it.
You have some flowers in your garden already from people
It makes me so happy to see flowers for your anniversary, that people, no matter how many years still mark it and show they love you
Really miss you Char x

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Nearly that time

Dear Charlie,
It's very near to your anniversary and I am trying hard not to think of how you were this day 5 years ago.
I am sad it will be  5 Years since I made you breakfast, cuddled and kissed you and 5 years since I cooked you dinner or watched tv with you. 5 years Charlie is such a long time yet it feels like only yesterday you were in the house.
I miss you. Today I bought tiger biscuits that is what you called them (macaroons)  I remember how you loved them.
I remember you singing walking on sunshine, that makes me smile. The children are selling drawings at school for you and Charlie Charges On. That is sweet. We are going to put more plaques up soon in your memory for all the money we raised for brain tumour research.
I don't like the idea of 5 years it sounds such a long time. I have tried not to think about it but I can't help it. I try to fill my brain with other thoughts but sometimes it takes over
I love you Charlie. X

Sunday, 1 November 2015

The switch has been pressed

Dear Charlie,
We made it through to November and now we have to make it through this month. Such an incredibly sad time of the year. It's always there but I've been better than usual  this week I said it could change in a matter of minutes or days and today the switch, yes the incredible sadness.
Why did you have to go ? Am I a bad person ? What did I do wrong ? Why did you get that horrible illness when there are so many bad people in the world ?
I remember you loved mars bars. We went out yesterday and I remember you dressed as a werewolf and howled out of the car window as we drove to nannys house. I remember you picked the warewolf suit from Sainsburys. A little boy knocked last night and he looked ill he had lost his hair and I wanted to say something but I couldn't I was screaming inside I know I know. They must have thought I was rude as I was staring, I'm sorry I couldn't help it it wasn't rude, they had no idea why. It's not often we see children going through similar to you, so I ask again why you Char ?
I don't know. You loved our park bushy park, it was your favourite lots of people know about it now so I don't make it there much, but I should go.
Your baby sister said I want Charlie to come back, today, we now have to change the subject as she gets upset when we try to explain you can't come back.
I feel like I can't get excited for things I just need to get through the next few weeks
Love you Char

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Dear Charlie,

Today I felt really sad I talked to my friend about October and how hard it can be, you started to slowly shut down. I came home and felt so sad today I remembered when it was your last day with us wizard of oz was on the television when you had to go. I can't even write the rest but it haunts me. I wanted you to stay forever.
How on earth did you get that illness ? Where did it come from ? Why did it happen ? I miss your face and smile and I miss your voice and your sweet singing. I miss your jokes I miss it all.

Love you Char

Thursday, 22 October 2015

It is that time of year again

Dear Charlie,

You are always on my mind, but there's just something about Autumn, you had to leave then. When the leaves start to fall from the trees and the weather turns a little colder and the evening draws in, the memory of losing you comes to the front again.
I'm utterly exhausted emotionally and physically from the last event but pleased we did it.
Everything is changing around me and I'm scared the memories will fade, I don't want them to.
I remember when I used to wake up in the morning and you were there sneaked in the middle of the night and down the end of my bed by my feet. I remember when you started to get sick so I let you stay in bed with me.
The hospital has a lot to answer for, daddy had a bad leg the other day and they saw him so quickly he was in and out with an xray so fast, yet all I could think about was you with brain cancer they refused to scan or take me seriously and made up other rubbish diagnosis.
Remember when you used to run in from school and put 2 sausage rolls in the microwave, just a memory I have. You would watch Phineas and ferb, Hannah Montana, the suite life of Zack and Cody or play Mario on your ds. You loved hats in the winter to keep warm but got fed up with them after you were diagnosed. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that Charlie, as your mum I was supposed to protect you from anything, I thought I'd always be able to but that, that thing I had no control over, I am so so sorry I couldn't save you we tried so hard but no hospital in the world could do anything. I felt so useless.
I miss you Charlie and think about you and the loss of you every single day
Love you Char

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Dear Charlie,
I haven't written in a few days, I have been busy organising our next charity event. Today as I was driving back down the A41 I had a flash back of driving down there when you were really ill and we didn't know what was wrong, it made me sad. I remember thinking it was serious and I needed to know you would get better, I felt despair and sadness. I miss you and sometimes feel I must have been like a robot to get through that nightmare, life has definitely not been the same since we lost you but I make sure your brother and sisters really enjoy themselves as they have been asking for you a lot recently and it is hard. Your biggest sis is doing amazing at her ballet. It's her love and she does so well. We all miss you and there is an emptyness that could never fill but we keep your memory alive and feel you around. I remember you singing in the kitchen. I remember when Patience the health visitor came round to do your brothers checks when he was born and she was terrified of our dog and you tricked her with your remote control spider that was so funny. I remember telling her you were having pains in your eyes and I hoped it was only migraines but she said I had to believe it was not anything serious. I remember she went above and beyond her job and when you were diagnosed she came around as a friend and prayed with you. What a kind lady. I miss you Char x

Sunday, 27 September 2015


Dear Charlie,
I caught the last half of beaches today and it made me think of you and how when someone who is faced with the end you just want to make them happy and comfortable, it made me think of people suffering and others who don't realise how lucky they are, they waste time and energy hating and being bitter over pathetic things and it is very sad. I saw a quote today 'I am sorry I couldn't save you' and I do have to deal with that because I am your mum and I couldn't save you, your life was in the hands of your doctor's and how did they feel about you ? They see kids in and out every day, really sick kids. Where you just a number ? That makes me sad. I do believe they believed they were doing the right thing. Trouble is I am your mum and you relied on daddy and me to make everything better we did try and try and try but we couldn't find the answer, we couldn't cure your cancer. I can't believe my Charlie had cancer in his brain. I don't think I've ever said that before.  It's not fair at all its just not fair. You were full of life, happy and funny and my best friend. I wonder why and how but I will never know. Your room is changing and there is no going back but I will feel close to you when I sleep there. We had no choice and I still haven't finished your chest of drawers. Your medicine is still in the fridge with your name on and underwear still at the bottom of the wash basket, your dressing gown was still hanging on your bed, your Scooby doo dressing gown. Your award still on the fridge.
Love you Char x

Friday, 25 September 2015

Strange few days

Dear Charlie,
Your baby sister has been asking after you most days, when we were in Tesco she said you were outside, she keeps saying she wants you to come home. I saw your school reports yesterday and remember how happy you were and they are fantastic, you were such a good boy. I miss it now your school friends have gone up to secondary school. I miss seeing them around and them calling me 'Charlie's mum' I have to keep going with Charlie charges on as its your charity and your memory and you can carry on forever through it. I'm scared to reach the 5 year anniversary, it seems such a long time and every day you are on my mind every minute that passes you are there in my mind. It feels like a fog.
I miss you Char x

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Dear Charlie,
Today's been hard
Oh boy that was hard walking into your bedroom, just heart breaking.
It feels so empty and I remember when your laughter filled the room. I could see you playing on the floor when you were about 4 and we were decorating it Spiderman, stickers on the wall the bed covers and the curtains you were so excited. I remember when you first moved up to that bedroom and you used to get a little frightened, I would be sorting clothes out at the bottom of your stairs and shout up "it's just me char putting the clothes away" and we used to leave the music channel room on in your room so you would feel safe at bed time I remember being down a level on our floor and shout night char love you and you would shout back. I don't want to forget anything, in scared I will forget and I need to write it's helping me a lot. The thought of forgetting anything terrifies me. I miss you

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Mixed emotions

Dear Charlie, today we went to Callums birthday and Patsy told me I brought Callum his peppa pig house for his first birthday and I felt sad as you were alive then.
I did some more of your room when I got back. I couldn't bare to do any more of your clothes or take your uniform away so I will leave that for another time. I cuddled your clothes especially the yellow t shirt and black fila jumper we got you whilst you were having treatment to keep you warm as that silly treatment made you put on weight, you hated the way your hair and body changed we still don't share public photos of you looking that way as I know you were so conscious of it. I have made a special bag of special clothes I need to keep forever. Your first Liverpool kit was there, you had one Arsenal and one Liverpool one haha cheeky boy. Your brown and cream reversable next jumper that zipped up reminded me if happy times when you were well. Hey Char you remember Adam Sandler fims ? You loved them so much Happy Gilmore, The zohan, Billy Madisson, big daddy and we watched that the other day your guys loved the wee wee bit. When you were very ill and couldn't leave your bed anymore you used to watch your mini DVD player one of the last films you watched was bed time stories. Remember that awful woman from the charity ? They did good getting Adam Sandler to call you but didn't respect our wishes at all, when we asked them to bring Christmas to you early and the real Santa came she said in front of you he had some funny looks driving down the M25 silly woman, well I guess you know now he wasn't the real Santa anyway Charlie, the real Santa is big and cuddly and fat with rosie cheeks and a warm heart. I am giving some of your clothes to your brother. He is missing you very much especially lately as he asks after you. Remember when daddy used to say he was greedy and ate the Mac Donalds sign and you used to laugh your head off. Uncle Nat came around earlier and your brother was so happy it reminds me of how you loved your uncle's you grew up with them and loved them a lot. One day after you were gone uncle Chris was laying on the bed when callum was about 2 and callum said daddy Charlie is on your back was it you Charlie ? Uncle Chris got goose bumps
You really loved Spiderman remember the the DVD case of MJ ? Spiderman 2 haha Clair knows about that, hey remember you wanted a BBq ? You were finished treatment and Clair came and was very silly and made you laugh and jade and Amber came and so did Nanny and the boys, you and Amber writing words on your ds and sending to each other. We tried to bring the park to our house so you could play. We did a play house and sandpit
I miss you Char x

Friday, 18 September 2015

Remembering you today

Dear Charlie,
Today we saw Mrs Dicketts and I remember you used to call her Mrs tickets, we spoke about your special book because I read through it the other day it made me happy and sad. I remember when we used to go to school and you would run along shouting like a lunatic. I remember taking you for a few afternoons after you was diagnosed,that was so sad. You would sit and draw and have lunch with your friends. Penny waited for us to have your class photo done, I'm glad we made it in time. It's so heartbreaking going through your room. I don't want to do it. Your school uniform is still folded in your drawers and so are your other clothes and pjs. I really wish you were still here. I feel like people get fed up with me talking about you, not the people who loved you, they would never be fed up but I feel everyone else might be. I love you Char x

Dealing with losing my 7 year old son to Brain cancer

Dear Charlie, I don't know why I didn't do this earlier, I wish I did, I find it hard to say my feelings I'm so frightened I will forget things I don't want to forget anything at all, today I thought about when Mr Germaine came over to do your sisters nursery home visit and you were so happy to see him, you were looking forward to him coming and he gave you a high five. I felt bad he left as Patience the health visitor had turned up and she was wanting you to be healed. I often think about how tall you would be now. I miss you. Today your littlest sister has been saying she wants you to come home. It's very hard for her to understand.