Friday, 13 November 2015

Dear Charlie,
Sometimes I have a thought, a little thing in my mind. I daydream that you come back. I daydream that someone knocks on the door and say there was a mistake and you are still alive and they were looking after you. I know it's silly but I do sometimes imagine you coming home again and work out scenarios that can get you here. I wonder how your sisters and brother would react and how happy they would be to see you in our home. I imagine hugging you again and kissing your cheek.
I have been trying not to overthink your impending anniversary at the weekend as I don't want to drive myself mad.
It is mad though such complete madness that you have been gone for 5 years. I thought I didn't want to breathe without you but I made it.
You have some flowers in your garden already from people
It makes me so happy to see flowers for your anniversary, that people, no matter how many years still mark it and show they love you
Really miss you Char x

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Nearly that time

Dear Charlie,
It's very near to your anniversary and I am trying hard not to think of how you were this day 5 years ago.
I am sad it will be  5 Years since I made you breakfast, cuddled and kissed you and 5 years since I cooked you dinner or watched tv with you. 5 years Charlie is such a long time yet it feels like only yesterday you were in the house.
I miss you. Today I bought tiger biscuits that is what you called them (macaroons)  I remember how you loved them.
I remember you singing walking on sunshine, that makes me smile. The children are selling drawings at school for you and Charlie Charges On. That is sweet. We are going to put more plaques up soon in your memory for all the money we raised for brain tumour research.
I don't like the idea of 5 years it sounds such a long time. I have tried not to think about it but I can't help it. I try to fill my brain with other thoughts but sometimes it takes over
I love you Charlie. X

Sunday, 1 November 2015

The switch has been pressed

Dear Charlie,
We made it through to November and now we have to make it through this month. Such an incredibly sad time of the year. It's always there but I've been better than usual  this week I said it could change in a matter of minutes or days and today the switch, yes the incredible sadness.
Why did you have to go ? Am I a bad person ? What did I do wrong ? Why did you get that horrible illness when there are so many bad people in the world ?
I remember you loved mars bars. We went out yesterday and I remember you dressed as a werewolf and howled out of the car window as we drove to nannys house. I remember you picked the warewolf suit from Sainsburys. A little boy knocked last night and he looked ill he had lost his hair and I wanted to say something but I couldn't I was screaming inside I know I know. They must have thought I was rude as I was staring, I'm sorry I couldn't help it it wasn't rude, they had no idea why. It's not often we see children going through similar to you, so I ask again why you Char ?
I don't know. You loved our park bushy park, it was your favourite lots of people know about it now so I don't make it there much, but I should go.
Your baby sister said I want Charlie to come back, today, we now have to change the subject as she gets upset when we try to explain you can't come back.
I feel like I can't get excited for things I just need to get through the next few weeks
Love you Char