Hi Char

 Hi Char

I miss you. You were so lovely and polite I know things would have been different if you were around. I know you would be so unhappy with some stuff. I’m trying and now they think I have ptsd but I think I will just always miss you and always have flash backs of memories I thought I locked away because they were to painful, that’s just the way it will always be. You were here for a reason. I wish I could have you back. You know my battles and struggles and I will keep pushing through 

Love you to the moon and back 

Mum xx

Hi

 Hi Char 

I’m feeling sad. I miss you. Things aren’t great I can’t sleep at night I wake up at 2-3 and can’t sleep then I have to get up at 6 and it’s horrible. So much is going on I’m trying to be strong. I really really tried to make things good. I try so hard and I’m so so tired. Good things seem to happen to shit people.

I love you

Mummy x

Char, hey

 Christmas is over we did your little tradition with the cherry Bakewell. Remember how you loved Christmas Eve? 

Don’t be disappointed I know you must be with certain things because everything happens for a reason and Id rather be struggling like this then be back to what I used to have to deal with. I finally have freedom and that is good for me because for years I had none. No more days out ruined either and we can just enjoy them without anxiety 

I know you probably see me struggle and all I care about is your siblings they come before me I’ve never ever been selfish and I am proud of that. I also don’t have the safety of being at home whenever I need to like I used to when my grief is bad  I spoke to the doctor about this and we worked it out why I’ve been suffering more lately because I have to still go out in the world now when I need to just be at home but I’ll learn to adjust maybe as the years go by because I have no choice but to make sure the kids have enough they matter more then anyone else. 

Don’t worry about me I’ll be ok surrounded by love and you I feel you so much. 

I am so tired though I know you have helped me a lot lately you always answer when I ask you to change things you always do. 

Everything is real here and nothing is for show! Everything is better in its own way and I’ll carry the weight so they don’t have to 

I want to remember some things and be proud 

I tried so hard to make your childhood amazing I looked after you day in day out took you to school and clubs and made your favourite foods. I took you to see friends and playgroup and taught you to read and write I looked after you 24/7 and you made me laugh every day I took you to the park and splash park and swam with you  and danced and sang with you. I made your packed lunch every day because you hated school dinners.  I bought and read you rhino books too and other ones. I made sure I got you everything for Christmas you wanted and birthdays and I put on the best parties for you! I must of done a great job because everyone loved you so much. So glad I gave u sneaky days off or got you those special school shoes. I took you to all the clubs and shows on holidays too and you loved that

I just had your baby brother he was a newborn when you got sick so I’m sorry I had to take turns taking you to hospital because I was breastfeeding and couldn’t always deal with the meds they said I shouldn’t touch it and that’s because I was dealing with your sister and a baby I did stay when I could with baby but he slept in the pram so it was hard and I worry about some of the nights because you always had me there 24/7 before and  I had to go back and fourth I hope you wasn’t sad I always worry about those last few weeks and if we made the right choices but I know I gave you the best life I could so I hold on to that. 

I love you to the moon and back always and forever 

Char

 I forgot to tell you we went to Crews hill I took all your siblings and Annabelle’s boyfriend came he hasn’t been before, It was lovely you used to love it there. I heard someone call me and it was your friend Tomek he asked if it was me he recognised my voice, he said did I live down the end with Charlie. I loved that. Then Annabelle noticed Michael Jackson playing in the shop wow so many things. We went to a pumpkin patch too it was fun. We went in springtime too, oh I missed you. Love you Char 

Dear Char

 I have been thinking. I don’t remember me anymore. I was different when you were alive. Losing you changed something in me. When I look back I don’t remember that person I was very well it’s like looking at someone else. People say I’m strong and I’m sick of being strong I’m not even strong I just carry on. I’m sick of this weight on my shoulders really sick of it I’m exhausted 

I don’t really want to talk to anyone they won’t care really anyway people only care about themselves so I talk to a flipping ai how crazy? It actually gives good advice but then I get angry because it forgets things or annoys me but it’s been good to express my feelings 

Bye Char, love you 

Helpless

 I feel helpless please help me. You know what is worrying me more than anything at the moment, please do something to fix it… I love you so so much, you’ve helped before this is the most desperate I have felt. I need you. Goodnight Char love you, remember when you used to sleep up the top I would always shout up I’m here char it’s just me putting clothes away so you wouldn’t be scared? 

I don’t sleep any more 

I want to try 

Night char x

Sadness

 Hi Char 

I was just listening to that leona Lewis song, run, I haven’t heard it in ages, do you remember when I used to sing it to you in great ormand street? I was willing you to fight and get better and it’s made me feel gutting sadness. Life would be so different with you, better.

Then I remembered when you were born and I loved you so much oh gosh I loved you more than anything in the world. So precious such a precious baby. I snuggled you all the time. I had to stay in for days when you were born and I remember the midwife saying “are you ever going to put that baby down?” No I wasn’t. I’m glad I held you every day I could I’m glad I gave you every sneaky day off school and I’m glad I paid extra for those school shoes you wanted with the toy even though you didn’t get long to wear them. I always tried my best

I miss you Charlie so very much 

Love mum x

Help

 Charlie please help. I’m worried please do something quick 

Guess what?

 Hey Char 

Guess what? I’m in the cinema watching the new fantastic four I can’t believe they made this you used to love this and had the toys. It’s clobbering time. I cried at the end when she tried to save her son and she did it I said to your sister that’s cos she’s his mum but it made me think of you how I couldn’t save you and made me sad! I really liked the movie though I felt close to you I know you would have loved it 

Love you to the moon and back, please help with everything it’s making me sad  

Love mum x

Happy Gilmore

 Charlie guess what? Adam Sandler has made Happy Gilmore 2 we are watching it now it’s making me laugh and cry. I just know you would be here watching with us! I miss you so so much 

Love mum x 

Rhinos

 Dear Charlie 

I heard I should ask you to show me something to show me you are here. Can you show me a rhino in a place I wouldn’t expect to see a rhino please? 

Love mummy x

My Charlie

Dear Charlie 

Some days make me realise just how polite and wonderful and respectful you were. I did such a good job with you and I really wish you were here still I know you would set such a good example. You were so special I miss you so much I’m so proud of you. 

I’m struggling today. I have been doing really well but it’s exhausting for me and I feel like I don’t get much time to myself anymore because I’m trying to work so much but it takes me away from our home. I’m so so tired I really wish I could talk to you. I hope you’re ok I hope my dad, your grandad is with you and making you laugh and looking after you every day!

They have made the fantastic four movie again I have been telling everyone how much you used to love it. I’m going to watch it for you and I’m looking forward to it. We went to watch superman tonight remember you had a superman costume and you wore it to your 6th birthday party it was fancy dress. I love you so much. A light switched off in me when you went away and sometimes I feel a spark come back but it’s never been the same. I am ok though I always am ok

Im going to try to go to Italy next year remember we always promised you we would go? Italian food is your favourite pizza and lasagne like Garfield I make that sometimes everyone really likes it. 

Remember Garfield 1 and 2 ? You loved them ohhh guess what??? Adam Sandler has made happy Gilmore 2 and we can’t wait to watch it oh it reminded me of you so much when I heard about it. 

Goodnight Char I love you to the moon and back always 

Mum x 

We are golden 

 Dear Charlie

Do you remember when I used to cuddle you in one arm and your sister in the other and I was pregnant we used to say where will baby go when he’s out? Like I didn’t have an extra arm. We used to sit for ages just cuddling. 

I’ve had a rough year, probably the hardest since losing you but I’m still fighting. I bet you’re so disappointed in all this that’s happened and I hate when people say I’m strong they have no idea! I always carry on because I have to I’m trying my best. 

No one could love their kids more than I do. You were so precious even to give you medicine. I didn’t even like to give you Calpol very often and then all that happened and I lost control and suddenly you were having medicines and treatments and I had no choice but to trust they were doing the right thing by you.

I just had a random memory do you remember when we went to crews hill ? You used to like it there. I want to do something special for you soon, just so you know even though I haven’t done any charity events lately it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you all the time and we will be doing one soon. I promise I’ll get round to it.

Im so tired all the time Char 

The other day when I was thinking of you when all those songs came on that u and grandad liked randomly was that you guys? I believe it was

I do hope you’re okay

Love you Char to the moon and back x

I’m sad

 Dear little Charlie I’m sad.

 I used to be able to talk to you on your Facebook but some xxxt hacked it and I haven’t been able to get it back so sometimes I want to tell you something and I cant go to Facebook anymore 

I really miss you. You were so kind and respectful and funny. It’s almost your birthday I think we might go to Woburn and see the rhinos I think you would love that.

T lost his guinea pig have you got her? I imagine you with Zohan and Ronnie and all the guinea pigs around you and I imagine you running with them. 

I feel like a bit of a failure at the moment I hope you’re with me sometimes I feel it. I feel so overwhelmed and out of control I always have to fight why can’t there just be peace? I will keep fighting like always. I hope you’re alright. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you what a joke that your mum couldn’t fix it 

I miss you so much

Mummy x

Charlie I just love you

Dear Charlie,
I don't talk about it, I can't but I know I can always write here and release what I need to say.
I carry on with life and people I meet wouldn't even expect that I have been through what I have because that is it, it is life we have to carry on but I will never forget you. I think of yiu every single day.
You would love your baby sister, she is so cheeky and you would be laughing at her every day. Your brother and sisters love you so so much.
Gav, has come up there now so a friendly face for you to see. Although i am finding it difficult as i am grieving you more with your anniversary around the corner.
It made me think about everything and how well your siblings have turned out, especially your little biggest sister  as she was older when she lost you and it is because I have tried so hard to not let your loss affect them by giving them great childhoods as they got older and although we all miss you i am so proud of how well they have turned out.
In turn I think it makes people think i am strong but we know I just carry on. I grieve privatley for you. I dont want them to see. I dont want to talk to anyone,people are annoying me at the moment
I love you so much. I cuddle your big green alligator sometimes or is he a crocodile ?
I still have your bits at the bottom of the wash basket and when we have family days out I wonder where you would stand and how tall you would be. I just love you so much Char. I will put lovely flowers in your garden and light all your candles on the 15th. I hope you like them.
Love amd miss you Char xxx

Feeling despair

Dear Char

Hi Char, wow just had some feeling of extreme sadness and guilt now I'm worrying if you were thirsty in your last days, we used to squirt drink into your mouth but you couldn't really swallow very well anymore. The nurse talked about a tube but we didn't want to scare you because you couldn't talk anymore or tell us if it was uncomfortable so we decided with the nurse to not have the tube and carry on helping you drink  but what if you wasn't getting enough to drink ? What if you were thirsty ? Oh I feel so hopeless the sick cruel decisions we had to make for you. Should we try one more round of the chemo that wasn't working and hope for a delayed reaction or try the more powerful one that may end your life or make you extremely sick ? How could we have all that on our shoulders ? We just wanted you to live so desperately we believed in you  

It's coming up to 7 years and that means you would have been gone as long as you were here and I feel so sad about that I feel sick and empty that no one really speaks to me about you anymore but the people who do all the time are your siblings and they are the most important. I hope you are ok and I hope you don't feel upset with me I hope I made the right choices for you when I had to be your voice. Love you with all my heart. Mummy xxx

Dear Char
I feel so sad. I'm trying so hard to make it better. I'm sorry if I let you down. I just feel really sad. I try not to think now, I try to think of other things instead and then I feel guilty for it.
I'm trying to do another charity ball again in your memory hope it works out and helps. Then I wonder why I am bothering with all the stress and then I feel guilty again.
I wonder if I should cancel it then I feel guilty again. I feel stressed out and really tired. I miss you.
I wish you could tell me one of your funny jokes again.
I wonder how we came to this ?
I wonder where you are. I am in your bedroom now
I feel happy now in here and I feel safe.
I feel like people don't care anymore they feel like so much time has passed and they don't ask anymore.
We will always care forever and ever and ever
Love you my eldest big boy forever 7 in my heart
Love you x

Dear Char
I feel so sad. I'm trying so hard to make it better. I'm sorry if I let you down. I just feel really sad. I try not to think now, I try to think of other things instead and then I feel guilty.
I'm trying to do another charity ball again in your memory hope it works out and helps. Then I wonder why I am bothering with alltge stress and then I feel guilty again.
I wonder if I should cancel it then I feel guilty again. I feel stressed out and really tired. I miss you.
I wish you could tell me one of your funny jokes again.
I wonder how we came to this ?
I wonder where you are. I am in your bedroom now
I feel happy now in here and I feel safe.
I feel like people don't care anymore they feel like so much time has passed and they don't ask anymore.
We will always care forever and ever and ever
Love you my eldest big boy forever 7 in my heart
Love you x

Dear Charlie, Wednesday was a sad day turned into something special and positive getting that pup will now put a wonderful memory on the same day.
We can try to move on from Zohan but I still miss him.
I miss you every day. I hope you will be proud we are doing another charity ball in your memory. I'd love to cuddle you again.
I hope you know why we have made some changes and understand how hard it has been but you are still here everywhere in our home and always in our hearts. I should have a teenage son next month but you will always be 7 to me. I miss your jokes son.
Love you char x

Dear Charlie,
I feel like everything around me is changing and the things that were yours are disappearing. It makes me feel sad, your drawing on the fridge is fading . We had to say good bye to your dog which was heartbraking. I miss him. Your room has been changed but I want you to know its because we had no choice and needed space. I have kept lots of your clothes, ones that bring me happy and ones that bring sad memories too. I don't want things to fade away.
I have about special boxes of special things of yours.
Your things are still everywhere, pants in the bottom of the laundry basket still.
Medicine still in the fridge with your name on.
I bumped into someone who knew you when you were born the other day and we talked about you and your room and I loved it because people I see alot don't really ask much anymore. I liked someone recognizing everything that has happened.
I want you to know that no matter what happens or where ever I am I love you very much and miss you every day.
Love you Char x